oh wow, what a couple of weeks.
even though most of you already know what is going on, i feel a need to document this although i already feel like it's going to take forever to write and my brain is still fuzzy from all the lack of sleep, stress and sickness.
crawford has always been a small baby to us. sorry big guy, but you have. simply because he started off and remained smaller than the only other baby we've ever had, bailey. i've been meaning to write about how much i love the little guy and how much he is so incredibly different than his adoring big sister but haven't found the time. anyway, main point is that i had come to accept the fact that crawford is his own little person. he isn't going to do things exactly like bailey did so it made sense that he wouldn't follow her growth chart either. yet it just never did seem right that he was so skinny. everyone, doctors included, assured me that he was fine and rightfully so. he had been consistently sleeping 7-8 hour stretches at night since he was a little over a month old, was gaining weight (although his percentiles dropped), grew taller, was peeing, wasn't excessively fussy, was pooping (although not as frequently, which is normal given his age), was smiling, cooing and developmentally right on target. on paper, he looked absolutely fine, but i always marveled at how small and thin he was.
at his 2 month check-up i voiced my concerns again. since he was gaining weight, growing and otherwise behaving like your typical 2 month old, nobody was concerned. crawford's pediatrician suggested that we just stop in around his 3 month birthday for a quick weigh-in, mainly to ease my mind.
i was originally planning on dropping by this thursday while bailey was at mdo for the weigh in but at the last minute i went in right before their lunch break on monday. as i undressed him i mentioned to the kind nurse that he seemed to be just skin and bones. just a few days earlier, during an impromptu bath with both of my kids, crawford seemed especially tiny. as his little body lay curled up all snuggled into me, i could see every rib. his little skin just folded up on itself, seemingly without an ounce of fat. and, truth be told, i had just shared with the other girls at the building blocks meeting that his little legs look like matchsticks and we all giggled.
to my shock, the scale read 8 lbs 12 oz, down from 9 lbs 3 oz the month before.
although it was officially everyone's lunch hour, we were ushered into one of the rooms where crawford got the once over by his pediatrician. i could tell that everyone was trying to keep things light and keep me calm. i never could gage exactly how serious this all was and was working hard to remain calm myself. then they ordered a series of tests for him, deeming him "failure to thrive". i was told that failure to thrive was the blanket term they used when babies lose weight for an unknown reason. the weight loss could be from a number of things, anything from a metabolic disorder to an overdeveloped muscle at the base of his stomach to cystic fibrosis to just some unknown condition. none of these sounded like anything i wanted my son to have. i tried to nurse him but he was too fussy. he was given his first 6 ounces of formula right then and there. he gulped it down. i was to monitor and record his feedings, which meant no more breastfeeding and a ton of pumping. i was to wake crawford up at night and make sure he ate every 3-4 hours around the clock. yes, you read that right, i had to wake up my sleeping 3 month old in the middle of the night. there should be a rule against that.
along with the above, the unexpected 2 hour doctor visit gave me the opportunity to hold down my tiny screaming 3 month old while they tried to get 4 viles of blood from his little body. after 5 solid minutes, 2 tries and only enough blood for 2 of the tests, i opted to just come back the next morning when the nurse who did a better job was working. there is nothing like that helpless feeling you get when you have to hold your child down while he is thrashing about, looking at you with wild wide eyes and yelling out in pain. the trip also included 2 trips to the bathroom with bailey, one lollipop, one spanking and some stickers. she wasn't perfect by any means, but bailey did the best she could considering the amount of time we spent there and the fact that it was most definitely her nap time.
the next week was spent going from one doctor's appointment to another with tuesday being the worst. he had a sonogram tuesday morning where he screamed almost the entire 30 minutes they were looking at him. they were unable to get a good look at his esophagus and stomach due to the sound waves produced by all of his yelling but were pretty sure that he did not have an enlarged muscle at the top of his stomach that would prevent enough milk from entering. that was good. then it was back to the pediatricians for more blood work. there i learned that he needed to do a sweat test to check for cystic fibrosis. thankfully, billy was with me and he took bailey to chick-fil-a to meet up with poppy while i went with crawford to the hospital to do the test. i thought it was going to be pretty noninvasive since they only needed some of his sweat to run the test but i was wrong. in order to stimulate his body to produce sweat, they hooked him up to some sort of battery and ran current through him for 5 minutes on each arm. needless to say, he didn't like it one bit and of course, screamed and screamed. supposedly, it was not a painful process, producing a feeling similar to when your foot falls asleep but he didn't care for it. we were there a little over an hour and by the time i got home, it was after 2:00 and i was starving, needed to pump, feed crawford again and put them both down for a nap. after bailey's dentist appointment on wednesday morning, we went back to the pediatricians for something, i don't remember. all the days and appointments seemed to run together, probably because i was getting a combined 3 hours of sleep each night between the feedings and pumping and regular life things such as feeding myself and the other members of my family and picking up after us as much as i could.
i felt a mixture of disappointment and relief when i realized through my hours spent pumping exactly how little i was producing. in an effort to keep my milk supply up, i was pumping 4-5 times a day and spending 35-45 minutes each time. do the math on that.........that's a lot of time. maybe if crawford was an only child i could have pulled it off but not when i have another child to care for all day every day. i was getting less than half of what he needed each day. by thursday i decided it wasn't worth it anymore. crawford took a bottle very well and seemed to like the formula. typically, he was a lot less wiggly and fussy than when he nursed. although he would nurse for only about 10-15 minutes, it would take him 30 minutes to finish the 6 ounces the doctors wanted him to eat. all signs pointed to simply a lack of food, which was both heartbreaking and wonderful all at the same time.
by thursday i was exhausted in every sense of the word.....and sick. my sweet friend courtney watched bailey and crawford while i went to the doctor for myself. i just didn't want to expose my kids to yet another waiting room full of sick people. turns out, i had a strong case of strep and a fever of 102. which was no surprise considering how taking care of myself had really taken a backseat all week. and for the record, strep doesn't mess around. it is a tough sickness and to say i felt horrible was a drastic understatement. when billy got home that night, i took my antibiotics and slept in the guest room. it took days for me to feel back to normal.
oh, and by thursday crawford was up to 9 lbs 8 oz! his cystic fibrosis test had come back negative and most of his bloodwork was normal. a true answer to prayers. we are still waiting on some of his testing (2 weeks later).
friday night he had a low grade fever and sweated through his clothes. since both he and bailey had been exposed to strep by their loving mother, we took them in to the doctor on saturday morning. not only were neither of my kids officially sick, crawford was up to 10 lbs 2 oz!!!
by this point, i was feeling pretty good about our little guy. his face and body had filled out once more and he was super happy, chatty and giggly. on monday i took him to see a pediatric gastroentronologist. although she didn't say anything negative about his progress or him in general, i left feeling discouraged about what she did not say. she did not say he was fine and that we had nothing to worry about. i was hoping she would look at him and how he had gained over a pound in a week and say it was all merely a feeding issue but she didn't. she was still concerned. although we didn't have to wake him up in the middle of the night, she was adamant about us feeding him 6 oz of somewhat fortified formula 6-8 times a day, as close to every 3 hours as possible. and we had to schedule an upper g i for him as well to rule out any issues with his esophagus and stomach and their ability to digest food. lastly, repeat bloodwork was ordered to check to see if a couple of his liver enzyme levels were still slightly elevated. thankfully, it only took about a minute and he didn't fuss and move around the entire time like he did the previous week.
i couldn't have been more proud of crawford than i was during his upper g i scan! the test involved him being strapped to a board with his arms secured above his head while the technician fed him nasty looking chalky liquid and rotated his body all around in an effort to see how his esophagus and stomach processed food. you would think he would greatly protest to this adventure given his obvious discomfort with all activities that involve him being held down but he laid there quiet and still, crying only when the chalky goodness got clogged up and he couldn't get the liquid into his hungry body fast enough. i wish i had taken a picture for memory sake and because he looked so darn cute but it seemed inappropriate at the time. in 15 minutes we were done and it was announced that crawford had a fully functioning normal upper g i!
life slowly started to resemble something close to normal after that. we made it through a busy weekend and loads and loads of clothes finally got washed. on tuesday i took him in once more to get weighed after i dropped bailey off at mdo. crawford was up to 10 lbs 14 oz and was 23.5 inches long!! that's a lot of growing in 2 short weeks! we also found out that all of his bloodwork, including the repeat tests the gastroentronologist ordered, came back completely normal. the only test we have yet to hear back about is on the urine sample he so graciously provided during the initial drop in visit. at this point, i'm not worried. we will still monitor his growing and make sure he eats as much as possible as often as possible but we are done with testing at this point!
now that i've written all about what we physically endured with crawford these past 2 weeks, i'd like to share how i made it through this stressful time. the short answer is one word: GOD.
i allowed myself to fully trust that god would take care of crawford and that regardless of the outcome, we would all be ok. i had to really believe this and i did. as soon as i got into the car after the initial 2 hour impromptu doctor's visit i prayed. i'd love to tell you that is my natural first response but it isn't. i literally had to fight back the urge to pick up the cell phone and call billy. from various personal experiences and wisdom gained through biblical teachings and reading, i knew i had to turn to god first. i knew god was the only one who could really do anything and that i needed to lean on him. it was time to walk the walk. and as soon as i could when i got home, i sent out an e-mail explaining the situation and asking for prayer from trusted friends. i have seen the power of prayer first hand and i knew i needed help from others. amazingly, i was ok throughout this entire experience. physically, i was exhausted but i did not panic or freak out. i did not let my mind wander too far into the downward spiral of what ifs. i focused on the following verses; "do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to god. and the peace of god which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in christ jesus" phillipians 4:6-7 and "for i know the plans i have for you says the lord. plans to prosper you, not destroy you, plans to give you a future and a hope" jeremiah 29:11. i also focused on the fact that god loves crawford even more than i do and that he loves me. he does not want to see any of his children suffer. it was important that i also remember that god is good. he isn't evil and he isn't trying to punish or test me. whatever was to come of this situation, good or bad, would be for his glory and i could rest in that.
thankfully, i got the result that we all prayed for. crawford is perfectly healthy although smaller than a vast majority of his peers. i'm certain he will catch up but, really, who cares if he is always a little on the smaller side? i understand that god did not magically grant my wish simply because i and several others prayed. i know that he listens to prayers and that it is important to pray during hard times but i believe the real benefit to all of the praying was the peace i felt. i was able to rest in these truths....god is always in control, he has a plan that we may not understand but is always superior to ours, god loves us and god is good. i will be eternally grateful for crawford's health and healing. i realize i have been spared an enormous amount of pain and words cannot begin to express my gratitude for that. i have grown through this experience and although it was not the least bit pleasant, i'm grateful to have endured the pain and come out of it a more mature christian woman.
you let them watch the coveted tv and then play in a bubble bath for almost an hour.
monday, february 2nd: 8 lbs 12 oz
monday, february 9th: 10 lbs. 2 oz.
