Rewind

here are some pictures my mom took from our trip to florida this summer that never made it on the blog.

i believe i was only 15 or 16 weeks pregnant here.

Boy Toys

poor crawford, our house is such a girly girl house. most of the toys around here are pink, soft and/or not designed for throwing. so when bailey's good buddy reece came over, i had to get creative. you know, after they played with bailey's new pink dollhouse :)

lucky for reece, i had a plastic tub of various toy cars and planes from my teaching days and i actually remembered where it was. i cut open a cardboard box to toss into recycling when i thought it might be better served as a pretty sweet ramp. bailey and reece had a blast watching the cars slide down and sometimes crash! and reece became quite attached to the batmobile. bailey happily let him take it home ,which was nice of her and all, but not a huge sacrafice considering she is still afraid of all things masked. i'm so grateful that bailey, who remains 100% girl and reece who is all boy, still have fun together!

What you get when you allow your very opinionated three year old choose her own outfits.

this is just one example of the many crimes against fashion bailey commits on an almost daily basis. if you see her in an outfit that somewhat matches, then just know i had to pull some major behind the scenes moves to make that happen.

Exchange

god gave us some absolutely gorgeous weather yesterday. after picking up bailey from mothers' day out, we went out in the front yard to enjoy the warm, fresh air while we ate our lunch. i guess this was crawford's first official picnic :)



my beautiful daughter!

my sweet sleepy boy

bailey loves her swing and was so grateful that my "boo boo was all better so (i) could swing (her)"!

i kept going back and forth checking to make sure crawford was ok and still breathing (i'm terrified of sids) inbetween big, giant, powerful, squeal inducing swings.

this picture is not quite as clear as i would have hoped, but it's my favorite :)

yesterday was just about as good as it gets for this momma. since crawford actually took a nap in his bassinet instead of on me, i had the full use of, get this, both of my hands. and my legs and lap. i got plenty accomplished during the two hours he and bailey slept. after bailey's nap, we all walked up to the school around the corner so bailey could play on the playground in nearly perfect weather. we played with good friends, met some news ones and stayed until dark! bailey was entertained and behaved. and billy was home in time for dinner. such a joyful day!!!

however, beneath it all, my heart is still heavy. i'm still struggling to accept the fact that bonnie's husband is no longer with us. it's still not real. a deep, painful feeling remains in the pit of my stomach. even in the glow of an amazing day with my children i feel it. you know those moments when you are able to step back in amazement and clearly see the countless things god has blessed you with. your heart just overflows with humble joy and you wonder why god would give you, selfish controlling prideful complaining little you, so much. there is pain in that joy now. here i am, soaking in my undeserving abundance while my friend, who is ten million times better than i could ever be, is in the midst of the worst pain she has ever felt. i want to take away some of bonnie's sorrow and replace it with my happiness. like bonnie, i don't get this at all and i definitely don't think any of it is fair. i believe the bible to be true. that god is good, fair and just. it just doesn't appear that way at this moment because i don't understand his plan. but i have to trust in the fact that god is still good and he is more upset than anyone that bonnie has to go through this.

please, keep praying for bonnie and caroline. pray for peace, wisdom, patience, joy, healing and understanding.

Big sister, big helper

since crawford has had some, ahem, digestive issues, he has enjoyed half an ounce of apple juice mixed with half an ounce of water for the past 3 days. bailey felt very big and grown up when i let her feed it to him. she loves helping me take care of crawford. i hope that desire doesn't fade as he gets older!

Up but not out

2 months stats for crawford


height: 22.5
50th percentile

head: forgot,
but 50th percentile

weight: 9 lbs. 3 oz
5th percentile


so my little guy is long and lean! it's amazing to me that he grew 3.5 inches in just 2 months! i'm thinking that he is just too busy growing up to grow out.

and now a little note to my body.

dear body,

first of all, great job on doing your part to create crawford! he's just wonderful and we love him to pieces. and a little shout out to my faithful friend, my bladder. welcome back big guy! it's nice to have you working at your full capacity now. and feet, well, it's nice to see you two again as well. you could use a little polish on those nails but overall, not too shabby!
now, might i make an overall suggestion to the rest of you? how about releasing your stronghold on the fat reserves stored in your various parts. tummy, thighs and buns, i'm talking to you. the little guy, he needs some fat. come on now, don't be greedy. believe me, i know there is plenty for us both. really, if you could just share one little pound with him, it would make a huge difference. i've even settle for half a pound at this point.
again, awesome job on the little man. and thank you for healing up nicely and for the most part, functioning normally. truly, i appreciate it. now, please share, like the bible says.

love,
tara

Now what?

the past week or so, part of me has been wanting to record our lives on the blog and the other part hasn't.

it just seems strange or almost disrespectful to go on about little everyday things bailey and crawford are doing when bonnie's world has been turned upside down.

i feel like one second i'm trying to come to grips with the fact that thomas is gone and the next i'm making lunch, nursing crawford, changing a diaper, answering questions, putting away laundry, playing games........

although definitely not to the extreme bonnie is going through, my time feels split between the everyday life of a stay-at-home mom of two and the life of one who is mourning a loss.


i kinda don't know what to do.


it's such a heavy subject, it seems odd to post pictures like this,
of bailey cheezing it up in her robe.

or crawford with his hair all poofed out after a bath.

or even write about how much my daughter simply adores my son and is constantly in his face and wanting to hold his hand. how grateful i am for that.



i know death is a part of life but it hasn't been a part of mine all that much. like i said before, my mind and heart just can't comprehend this and i don't know why. maybe because i have had to state the simple facts several times? maybe because i didn't see thomas on a daily basis? maybe because this kind of this just isn't supposed to happen to my demographic, much less my close friends? maybe because it was so sudden? maybe because i just don't cope with things very well and am a natural emotion stuffer anyway? probably everything and then some.....

i guess i just don't want it to come across that we have gone on about our merry way. that we are fine and life just goes on. well, life does go on, but it's just different now. bonnie, thomas, caroline and "new baby" occupy my thoughts almost constantly. god has heard me pray for them a ton (although i'm not that great at the sitting quiet and listening to him part yet) and i know that others are praying as well. those who know and love her and people from all over that she has never met. seriously, that gives me such peace. i've been working on getting various things lined up for bonnie. although i live in texas, i want to do all i can for my friend. i desire to be the hands and feet of christ for her. i've never wanted to help anyone more in my life.

this post is a little all over the place which is pretty much how i am right now as well. please, keep praying for bonnie, caroline, thomas' family, friends, students and co-workers.

Broken

how do i even begin to write about this???

broken.

my heart is just broken.

my dear friend bonnie lost her husband this monday and i can't even begin to write how devastated i am for her. although my thoughts and prayers have constantly been with bonnie, my heart just can't comprehend this. it just isn't real. this cannot be happening to bonnie. my sweet friend bonnie. who is so kind, friendly, giving, loving, fun, god honoring and every other awesome adjective out there. when the enormity of what just happened sinks in every now and then i just feel sick. i guess i'm living in denial and stuffing the sadness in when i do feel it. not so healthy, but enough about me.

thomas was a great man. i'm not going to pretend that we were close and i hate it that i did not get to know him better while i had the chance. but what i do know is that he loved bonnie and their daughter caroline with all of his heart. he took care of them, made them laugh, taught them things and did all he could for his family. any man who is going to love, support and encourage my friend to the degree thomas did earns my respect and admiration.

thomas was also the kind of teacher i never had in high school. the kind even high school kids openly loved and appreciated. hearing what his students have to say about him has been amazing. he went the extra mile, took the extra time to explain things in a way that not only made sense but captured the interest of his students. in life and especially at school, he was known for his brilliant mind and bright smile.

like the preacher said at his funeral, the easy part is that thomas is in heaven now. he is not in pain, he will cry no tears and he is with the god who made him the wonderful man we will all miss. living life without thomas in it, well, that's the hard part. the rest of us, we still feel the pain of his death and we cry all kinds of tears for him. he touched so many, many lives.

to all who have already prayed for bonnie, all i can offer is a giant THANK YOU!! please, please, please keep it up. if you haven't, then i invite you to start. go ahead, click on her blog and read her most recent post. see the power of prayer for yourself. it is obvious that god is carrying her through this. i am amazed at how bonnie is handling things with god's help. when i first found out, i instantly realized that there wasn't a thing in this world i could do or say that would even made a dent in the pain my sweet friend was experiencing or will go through in the years to come. but i knew that this was not too big for god. i knew that if people would pray for her, god would show up and he did. although it shouldn't be, it is absolutely incredibly that bonnie can still say that god is good. so keep lifting up my friend and watch in amazement with me as god's love for us is further revealed.

The best Christmas pageant EVER!

christmas night was spent over at granna and poppy's house. all of the kids put on a "christmas musical" that was pretty stinking hilarious although it was not meant to be.

bailey and reagan were angels, everson was supposed to be joseph and wylie was mary. although it looks like cleopatra, a butterfly ballerina, a monk and a ghost or certain klan member.

each child had a solo and sang their little hearts out to some gospel christmas music :)

bailey got distracted by the glittery loveliness on her pink tutu several times

we all just laughed and laughed the whole time! it was priceless!

poppy, crawford and billy!

poppy got some good snuggle time in with crawford. he stayed like this throughout the performance :)

New Christmas

this was our first year to celebrate christmas here at home. i've always wanted my kids to wake up in their own beds and open presents from their own tree on christmas morning. so for the first time ever, we did not travel to little rock to spend the holiday with my family. although we had a wonderful christmas, i have to admit that it was a little strange not to be around my family. it was also quiet and relaxed, which we all appreciated :)

as always, bailey gets really focused about opening her presents. it's an intense process. i rarely capture a joyful expression but hey, that's just how my girl is :) opening presents takes concentration and skill. bailey doesn't have time for petty things like smiling for the camera. but, she was super sweet with her genuine, enthusiastic "thank you, this is what i really wanted!"

along with the coveted pink dollhouse and accessories, bailey got an assortment of craft items, some books, a new bible and various stocking stuffers. i'm pleased to say that it was all picked up and put away shortly after everything was opened! the playroom was not suddenly busting at the seams either, which was pretty awesome!

crawford enjoyed lounging on his cute daddy during the present opening festivities. bailey helped him unload the paci's, bibs and burp clothes from his stocking. he got a few little new toys. since he's obviously clueless about presents, we didn't get him much. we are blessed that there is very little he needs.

so, bailey opened presents for about 45 minutes and then we just relaxed the rest of the morning. after lunch and naps, we headed over to poppy and granna's house for christmas dinner and the 2nd annual christmas musical. more coming up next on that!