Choices

i'd love to say that the adjustment of going from one child to two was a smooth and easy one. i'd love to say that after 7 1/2 months of fine tuning this transition i've got it all worked out. i'd love to share with you my secrets to having a wonderfully glowing, positive attitude towards my little blessings even when they are sick, crying, crabby and preventing me from getting my much needed sanity saving sleep. i'd love to say that i'm soaking in every moment of this precious time with my kids because, as you have been told a zillion times, they are only this little once. i'd love to say that i deeply and truly appreciate this time all of the time.

but then i'd be lying. and i don't like lying.

can i just tell you that this stage of life is hard. not like final exam hard or even running a marathon hard, like the most physically, mentally and emotionally draining activity known to man hard. if i had the capacity to use more of my brain i'm sure i could come up with some sort of witty analogy but that just isn't happening these days. i'm lucky if i can get a coherent thought out without needing to use symbols, gestures or a dictionary. i am needed 24/7 by not one, but two little people. two little people who abide by two different eating, sleeping and entertaining schedules. who need completely different things. i take that back, they have at least one main thing in common that they need and guess what, it's me.

i have been feeling particularly stressed out for what has turned into several months now. my life feels so chaotic, my time so rushed, my emotional tank so empty. rarely do i get anything, even the most simple tasks, done in the time i think i should. i give and give and give and give some more to the people i love the most. which is awesome and wonderful and exactly what i want to do but i am simply exhausted. i think it's easy for people to understand how physically exhausting parenting little ones can be but it's how emotionally exhausted i am that's really getting to me.

anyway, i have a point, really i do.

earlier this week i had one of those deep thoughts moments. it was a regular old morning, filled with me running around trying to feed, dress and clean up after bailey and crawford while at the same time battling the never ending war against my house. you know, dishes, laundry, general pick-up and those awesome little piles of random things that don't have homes. lately, all day, everyday, when i am not interacting directly with bailey, she asks me in her sweet little almost 4 year old voice "mommy, will you play with me?". who knew that just one little innocent request said over and over and over again could make someone feel so guilty. actually, yes, i do, in all honesty, want to play with you but it's just so hard to stop the daily routine of use, clean, put away. because just a little neglecting, a little procrastinating can cause you to really lose the war against your house. and when you get behind, it usually ends up requiring at least double the precious time it would take if you would have just done the use, clean, put away process in it's entirety the first time. and when my house is disorganized and chaotic, i feel disorganized and chaotic. and who wants that? so, obviously, it's important to keep the operations of your house running smoothly, right? a disorganized mom is a cranky mom and nobody wants to be around me when i'm cranky.

back to tuesday morning. bailey had swim lessons at 11:00 and although it's just 5 miles away, we have to leave no later than 10:40 in order to make it there on time. the kids were already fed, dressed and ready for the day. i had a load of parent laundry in the dryer left over from the night before, just begging me to put it up. by 9:30 a.m. crawford was successfully down for his nap. sweet, the morning was panning out exactly as i had hoped! crawford would get his nap in before it was time for swim lessons and i would have plenty of time to shower and put the clothes up before we left.

but, then he woke up. and i spent the next 15 minutes rocking that sweet, chubby, congested baby boy back to sleep. i tried to cherish the time i had with my son, knowing that it won't be too long before he tries to squirm out of my arms or even worse, roll his adolescent eyes at me and my affection. but you know what, all i kept thinking about was what time it was and how much i needed a shower. well, it had been an embarrassing 3 days since i last washed my hair and that fact was extremely noticeable. but still, can we say priorities?

so i got him back to sleep, checked the clock and realized that if i hurried, i still had time to get my teeth brushed, get dressed, get bailey sunscreened and suited up, pack our pool bag, double check the diaper bag to make sure i had everything crawford needed and put the clean fresh laundry away. i got myself as presentable as possible and was on my way to the laundry room when i heard a familiar phrase, "mommy, now can you play with me?".

it was then that i had what some would consider a pretty simple choice to make.

do i go through with my plans to put the laundry away, which would help out in the maintaining the house department, or do i stop and play with my daughter?

hmmmm, when you write it out, it doesn't seem difficult at all to recognize which task is more important. but at the time, i had a serious debate going on in my head. a familiar debate. you see, in my head and in my heart, i know that this time with my kids while they are still so little and honestly, so needy, is fleeting. i know how i should respond, what i should think about my kids and how i should feel about these little gifts. and i do feel an intense, deep love for my kids every single second.......that they are quietly asleep. and mostly while they are awake. but during the day in the midst of all of the feeding, cleaning, answering questions, changing diapers, packing bags, unloading the dishwasher, responding to e-mails, disciplining, picking up toys, answering phones and the other million dull, monotonous activities that fill up my day, it's hard to stop and appreciate your kids for what they truly are.

when i take the time to reflect on my role as bailey and crawford's mommy, i am humbled and shocked that god would trust me with these two precious lives. every second of every day, i need to actively fight the urge to view my children as little roadblocks hindering my ability to successfully make it through the list of tasks each day brings. i need to treat them like the valuable blessings they are. i need god's help with remembering and acting on those beliefs.

i want to choose time with my children, like i did on tuesday morning, more. as i sat there, coloring and talking with my bright, funny, amazing daughter, i felt really guilty for wanting to do something so petty as fold billy's underwear and hang up my clothes instead of interacting with her. not that i enjoy that kind of thing but i certainly like the feeling of accomplishment i get when my to do list is all crossed off. making time for your children does not come as naturally as i've always assumed but it is most definitely something i desire to strive for more.

lord, help me remember what is truly important in this life. help me choose my kids over my own selfish (although, sometimes, extremely thoughtful and helpful) ambitions. i cannot do this without you.

*****i cannot take full credit for the topic of this post. we had a building blocks speaker last friday who did a beautiful job sharing how she prioritizes the hearts and lives of her three young boys over herself and her daily routines. i've been thinking about what she said a lot lately and decided to write about my "ah-ha!" moment.

(it took me 3 days to acquire enough time and brain power to complete this post)